Why Hayley isn’t cutting it for me
A blow-by-blow description of my evolving dislike for Hayley
Showrunners: Let me introduce Hayley, hot new were-chic who retroactively has ‘history’ with Tyler and totally has the hots for him. Let the Forwood relationship drama begin!
Me: [Eyeroll] Ah yes, the obligatory hackneyed relationship plot-
Showrunners: But wait! False direct! Hayley is really a Hybrid freedom fighter, here to free them from the forces of Klaus!
Me: Okay, that’s slightly better-
Showrunners: Ha, ha! Don’t be silly. Why would we give a new character a halfway decent storyline that people can relate to when we can have a plot twist instead? Hayley is now a traitorous backstabber, conspiring to slaughter all the hybrids in a ritual to bring on Armagadden because… because… she’s a poor orphan girl looking for her parents and Shane totally has the information she needs.
Me: Riiiiight. So, instead of asking – oh, I don’t know – one of the dozen hybrids who’ve come from werepacks from all over the country if they could help a girl out, she instead decides to bring on the Apocalyse with a history professor?
Showrunners: Plot Twist!
Me: More like plot dud, but carry on.
Showrunners: Oh, don’t worry, we will! Because now Shane confesses to her that her parents are dead and he’s been stringing her along all this time, whilst giving her a USB key filled with…what? Death certificates, names of her parents and gravestone locations? What?
Me: Great! So now, realising she’s been taken for a chump, she goes to Tyler and admits all, saving the Hybrids before it’s too late!
Showrunners: Plot twist! Her parents are dead but Silas can totally bring them back if the hybrids are still sacrificed. Hayley of course thinks this is a wonderful plan – after all, Shane has never steered her wrong before, right?
Me: So not only she is a traitor but she’s also an idiot? Wow, really loving this character - not.
Showrunner: Nah, nah, nah! Totally not hearing you! Watch as Hayley sells out the Hybrids and then leaves town, never again contacting Shane and therefore not even attempting to collect her prize of zombie parents…
Me: Uh, why?
Showrunners: Well, you’ve said it already – idiot! Also, maybe a raging psychopath, but we’d never explore that aspect of her character because that might actually make her interesting.
Me: Well at least that’ll be the last of her. What a crappy character
Showrunners: Plot twist! Hayley has been very busy off screen! While she never attempted to contact Shane again, she somehow tracked down Katherine – because, while she is incapable of finding a death certificate by herself, she apparently has no problem tracking down a 500 year old Vampire who is skilled at evading detection - and then agrees to help her stop Silas’s plan by stealing the cure…because she’s decided that she doesn’t want to see her parents after all? Oops?
Me: Yeah, whatever…point?
Showrunners: Well, didn’t you know? Hayley is a career lackey and, tired of being duped by an insane history professor, has instead opted to serve herself up to a malicious 500 hundred year old vampire!
Me: Let’ s move this trainwreck along, shall we?
Showrunners: No problem! Plot twist! After selling out all the Mystic Falls gang to Katherine, our wily old vamp decides that having a backstabbing lackey with logic issues on her payroll isn’t a good longterm investment. Tries to kill her-
Me: At last, reason has returned to the plot!
Showrunners: In order to do this, she of course decides against sending an assassin or a hunter after her and sends a master forger instead….
Me: This. Does. Not. Make. Any. Fucking. Sense.
Showrunners: It’s fantasy and therefore make believe and doesn’t have to make sense.
Me: Congratulations. You know what the word fantasy means. It’s a pity you don’t also know the definition for fantasy fiction - you know, a piece of fiction that portrays a different reality to ours with fantastical elements (dragons, witches, werewolves) but has a consistent and self-coherent reality
Note the use of the words consistent and coherent
Showrunners: What are these words you speak of? Plot twist. Hayley is now Klaus’s lackey!
Me: Ah, I can see where this is going. Hayley’s characterisation may be made of cheerios but Klaus has had two years of consistent characterisation. He’s totally going to torture her for information and-
Showrunners: They have sex! That’s what Klaus does to get information now!
Showrunners: Oh, didn’t you know, Damon and Klaus had a personality transplant while you weren’t looking.
Showrunners: Don’t be silly. That would at least be an attempt to explain the plot fail and we haven’t done that since season two.
Me: Believe it or not, I have noticed. Well, congratulations, you’ve shoehorned your sex scene into the plot. So now Hayley gives up the location of Katherine - right?
Showrunners: The SEX!
Me: So that’s a no, then… Plan B is torture, right?
Showrunners: Don’t be silly. She’s off to New Orleans because Klaus helpfully told her about her birthmark in return for the SEX.
Me: Yeah, because after spending the entire episode trying to wangle Katherine’s location out of her, it totally slips his mind. And, besides, why quibble about such a little thing as Katherine’s location when he can help a girl out by telling her about her really interesting birthmark (that wasn’t on her shoulder in previous episodes, because TVD’s continuity SUCKS)
Klaus is such a peach that way…..
Showrunners: Plot Twist! Hayley is now preggers with Klaus’s baby! Wow, sometimes we even amaze ourselves. This is television gold.
Me: [Watches as the show does a double flip over the proverbial Shark. Tunes out.]
Showrunner: No! Come back! This is awesome, I tell you! It’s so fresh and original and-
Showrunners: Well, okay, you got me there, but at least it isn’t as bad as Twilight…
Me: Points to page
Showrunners: Uh, my bad…
Me: Don’t worry, it’s not as if this is going to be an issue for me. My DVR is already fully booked for the Autumn.
Showrunners: [Woobies] But I don’t understand! Why don’t you love Hayley? She so awesome, she’s been five different characters in six episodes! Magic baby! Plot twist! Sex!
Me: [Is watching S.H.I.E.L.D.]